I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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