based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize