Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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