he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
