my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
