how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
