I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
