dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
