just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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