I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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