there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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