just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
