Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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