tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
