i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
