Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she told me i tasted like america
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
