she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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