i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
