i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize