$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
