My first STD was from a foam party
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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