I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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