His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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