What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize