When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
