if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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