This is not my ceiling
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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