Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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