I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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