my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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