My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
