My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
