So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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