what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
