I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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