i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
