shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
