GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
