Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
