I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
