I wish I could teleport
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
