Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
