I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
