nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
