Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He passed out mid-signature
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
