Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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