just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
