I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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