Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
