Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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