I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
