My underwear smells like fireworks.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
