i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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