I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize