I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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