You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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