Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
