Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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