So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Randomize
