half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
