Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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