This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize