Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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