Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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