You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
