So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
