I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
